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Separation is an emotional roller coaster with one minute crying, next minute angry, next minute hopeful and then back to crying and then angry again.  Your whole world has been turned upside down and you feel like everything is spinning around you.  It’s a grieving process for the loss of your relationship and the huge changes that are ahead of you.  During this time, you need to look after yourself because that will not only help you get through this difficult time emotionally but it will help you with the separation process, both legally and personally.  It will also help your children.

Having experienced grief myself and been through counselling along with years of working with separating couples, I have come up with my top ten tips for looking after yourself during separation.

1. Acknowledge your feelings and its ok to cry

When you need to cry, do it.  Holding in your emotions makes a person physically sick.  I know that from personal experience.  I used to think that crying was a weakness so I would push my sadness down.  Then I got really sick and for many years I couldn’t get a solution to my sickness.  Thankfully after 6 years, someone told me about a therapist that had cured them of their physical sickness and recommended me to them.  By going to the therapist, I understood that I had ignored my sadness for so long, my body couldn’t take it any longer.  Once I began acknowledging that I was sad, I could get over the sadness and my body started to heal.  True story. 

I always encourage people to acknowledge their feelings and cry when they need to cry.  This doesn’t mean we have to go around telling everybody how we feel.  It just means being honest with ourselves.  It also doesn’t mean you have to cry in public or in front of your children.  There are lots of places we can go to cry in private.

However, if acknowledging your sadness and crying when you need doesn’t help, you may need to see a doctor and there is no shame in that.  I don’t endorse antidepressants but I have had to use them in the past and if you need them, you need them, no shame at all if you need them.

2. Take your time

Separation is scary and unknown and you may feel completely out of control.  If you are anything like me, you may be trying to cope with that by rushing and making impulsive decisions to try and get back control.  The best thing you can do is to stop and take your time.  You need time to get in the right head space before making decisions and there is no rush.  Take your time so you can make the right decision for you and your children.

3. Take care of your physical well-being

Eat well, eat lots of green veges and salads, drink lots of water, get as much sleep as you can and exercise.  I know it can be a really hard time to take care of your physical well-being.  Let’s face it, when we are grieving, we just don’t care about ourselves or anything for that matter but I really encourage you, please look after yourself.  You are valuable and needed.  Your family needs you, your friends need you and you need you.   

I’m not saying you can’t have ice cream and chocolate or that you must start running marathons (unless that’s what makes you tick) but I’m saying, you do need green veges and salads and to drink lots of water because feeling physically healthy will also make you feel emotionally better.  I know it’s hard to sleep when your whole life has been turned upside down but do your best to go to bed early and get lots of rest.  Emotions will make you tired and you need to rest.  It will also help you be sharp when dealing with the legal side of things. 

As for exercise, well, I’m not judging if you hate it as much as me but what I do enjoy is a nice walk in the nature.  Living in New Zealand means there are plenty of great places to walk, breathe in the fresh air and look at the sky, the trees, the grass etc.  Take a moment.

4. Decide on the Rules

Many couples struggle with the separation process and communicating with each other can become a horrible barrage of emails and texts sent to each other in anger.  Decide together at the beginning how you will communicate and stick to it even if your ex breaks the rules.  If you can communicate kindly to each other, that is great and I encourage it but if one or both of you can’t do that, then decide together that communication will go through lawyers. 

For your safety, if your ex sends messages that are threatening, take screenshots, tell your ex that you are blocking them so you won’t receive any further messages and then tell police.  Your safety is paramount.

5. Plan

Start making plans about your future, your children, and your finances.  When facing grief, we just don’t feel like planning.  For many separating couples, they don’t want to deal with the reality that they have to move on.  It is hard but I promise you, you will feel better when you have a plan for your future. 

6. Positive thoughts

It’s not easy to have positive thoughts when you are heart broken and grieving the loss of your relationship and life as you knew it.  In fact, what I often see is couples becoming really negative and interpreting what is a neutral situation as negative when usually they would not have.  For example, the ex makes a suggestion that he keeps the motorbike and my client keeps the car.  Seems like a good suggestion but because of grief and anger, my client takes it negatively and believes he only wants to keep the motorbike out of spite.  The negative thoughts don’t help.  Try to stay positive. 

7. Get Support

Friends, family, counsellors, doctors, support groups, and church (if you belong to a church) are there to support you and will give you the best chance of moving through each of the difficult stages of separation grief.  Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness.  If you don’t know where to go for support, start with your doctor.

8. Try something new

People separating often find they have more time on their hands and this can make it even harder.  However, now you have time, you could use this as an opportunity to try something new such as joining a social club, a walking group, a tramping club, a book club, a dance class, learn a language, learn to surf, rescue a pet.  These new experiences will help you stay positive and you may find a new passion.

9. Breathe

When in pain (whether that is physical or emotional) our breathing patterns change and can often become more shallow and more rapid.  It’s important to take time each day to check you are breathing from your chest, breathe in for 4 seconds and out for 6 seconds.  This gets rid of all the carbon dioxide which will help you to concentrate and make good decisions.  It sounds like fruit loops stuff but it’s science. 

10. Reward yourself

You’ve been going through a really tough time and you are coping really well.  You deserve a treat.  A fancy cuppa tea/coffee, a trip to the beach, some flowers, a new piece of jewellery or just some alone time might be what you need.

One last note, separation can seem like the end of the world but it’s a chance for you to create a new world, a new dream, a new life for yourself.  Separation is heart-breaking and really tough but it can also be an exciting time for you to create new opportunities for yourself, make new plans and become a new you.